the dream

i want to move out of home the moment i walk out of school.

and then i will get a job. not a crap stressfull job. a nice job in a shop. selling lovely shoppy stuff. and i think i will audition for places that year. everywhere. all places. and i think i will train at the same time. with a really wonderful teacher, i will train privatley.

then i WILL join a company. i know people always say "you will see me again" but you will see me up there. because everything that has happened up until now, and eveything that will happen. wont be worth it, if im not up there.

i kind of regret not auditioning for a ballet school. like the australain ballet or VCASS. but you know, i think ill stick to what i do best. my own thing. im just going to work my bottom all the way too the moon. and i will have a nice little flat to come home to each day, with my clothes hanging on the wall and an endless supply of british comedy.

i dont care if i have to move to siberia. i will dance

fuck you if you say i cant. fuck you ED.

ima be big, im going to live differently.

im not scared

i have decided , i am not scared of this

i am not scared of moving to melbourne
i am not scared of letting go
i am not scared of opening the flood gates to my feelings
i am not scared of working hard and potentially failing, because
you know what

i might not fail
if i follow up this decision of not being scared
i could do it
because i can feel myself being scared of thinking about it
worried its not the right thing, worried ill so something wrong

but im done caring about what people think
im going to do my thing

and thats because
i
am
not
scared

confuzzled and confused

hi. :)

i hope everyone is well

i feel like im in a muddle

i dont know whats going on, i dont know where i belong, i dont know who i am anymore

nothing is familar, and the old stuff has changed too

everything is everywhere and im so utterly utterly confused

i need to draw a mind map, maybe i need to put things into compartments

i dont know

the only thing familar to me right now, is ED

and that cant be good

is there anything i can hangon to?

it was a dark rainy night...

we were all sitting around the table. it was dark outside and the we could hear the rain hitting the roof. All four of us were sitting at the table, holding out warm teacups in our hands and drinking it. "Nikki is gentle" gail assured us, so we let her large collie run around the room with our small dog. suddenly there was a bang, and a growl, and a squeek. All out heads snapped towards the commotion and Nikki was pinned on the ground, growling and furby was underneath her. i ripped out of my chair and jumped over, i grabbed Nikki by her mane and threw her off Fuby, then i scooped him up and ran back towards my seat.

it was an action story!! but it actually happened!

stupid whore of a dog got "jelous" so she decided she would try at every possible oppotunity to kill Furby!

but we're home now, and he is safe.

stupid Nikki.