bandaids

i keep having awful awful dreams, and some of them include my father returning and taking back our puppy. it makes me so sad, i wake up and i grab him to make sure he is so real

im sorry to be all depressing. but why?? why are the males in my life utterly hopless, why does it never work.

james doesnt want me, he wants to turn over a new leaf, without me. and i keep trying to say i dont love him anymore. and i dont know weather it is love. but the reality is.

i miss him .alot. and the dreams i keep having where he just turns up to hold my hand.

they must mean something??

i have nothing to write about that i want to write about. today was boring. acctaully. it wasnt boring. but i was in a massivley loud mood for no reason. i actually feel quite. empty.

i have so many things to do. so much homework. so many essays, so many sacs.

but i just,

would rather sit here

ill be finneeeeeee

awhoooaoao

im in one of those moods where you want to shout when you sing, try and reach a mariah carey high.
ahaha, that is not going to happen.
well ive put up my cards on made it.com.au :) :)
an im talking to a lovely boy, who is lovely. im just going to go with it, not expect anything
just do it.

i had a lovely day
i stayed in the same spot on my carpet all day and made cards and watched antm on youtube
pumpkin soup, chai tea and gingerbread men :)
wonderful and lovely
and now i may sleep

and talk to this boy

i cannot simply beleive it. i just
cannot. cannot beleive it

my brain is telling me to rearrange my room AGAIN
AGAIN AGAIN

dear loving brain
do you have any small idea. what i went through last time you decided to tell me to rearrange this place?
no you dont, because you are stupid

what? i cannot beleive this is happening
well
i know what im doing tomorrow

yes!

oh golly. i will never ever ever evr get my lisence. i have taken the practice test seven times,

and i ive only ever passed once, and thats because i went back on the incorrect questions and corrected them.

so yeah. im screwed. and if by some chance i pass it. you are screwed, get off the road.

im sick. lying in bed, listening to city and colour. and im having a strong day. you know. one of those days where things are clear, you know what you want, you know what you need to do and you know how things are.

so in my present frame of mind. where i feel completely me. i am making decisions.

YES. i am going to quit beechworth. and i am going to make an etsy account. and make cards, and bags, and puses, and boxes and many other lovely things to sell

YES. i will do it. i will stay motivated to make these things. i will set my self a goal each week. yes i will make it

YES. i do want to go to box hill. the travelling will be hard, but dancing is what i want. it will be new, it will be different and it will be happy. i will be able to wear all my lovely clothes and be myself, and start again as myself. and i will be on the starting path to my reality

YES. i do want to be happy. i want to go out, i want to notice things, i want to appreciate things i want to laugh. i dont want to lie in my bed screwed up in a ball clutching my wrist and hiding from the world. yes. it makes me feel safe, it makes me feel secure. but thats because thats not open, im not alive. i need to be alive

yes? yes? YES!!

that is what is going to happen

and i think. that when i get my etsy account up and running

you should go and look at it yes?

merci beaucoup :)