UFO

wow! this swine flu thing is insane

ever since year nine sceince, when we were studying diseases and we watched epidemic, or whatever the hell it was called. anyway, we watched it and this horrible disease took over the world. im being truly and honestly honest: something like this is one of my top fears. you know that facebook quiz and it's like "top five" on the fears on, my second top was a pandemic

like this one!!

im not going to my french seminar in the city tomorrow because my mother is now really worried. she a hypocondirach anyway, so the thought of me being in a confined space for two hours on the train, well that goes in her "things not to do" list. so two good things come out of this

a) i dont get swine flu

b) i dont have to go to my french seminar

and that makes me rather joyous!

and. the most exiting thing today apart from my brother making me a cake and buying a lollipop was: i.saw.a.UFO.

im honestly serious, no joshing here. it was like a shed, but with a rood and not as high, and it was like it has slits on the sides so we could see in, and there was a MASSIVE GREEN MASSIVE GLOWING light. and then

it dissapeared.

my brother and i went out side with brooms to see, and we got halfway to the back fence, because i saw it in the garden behind us, then we stopped. i whispered "im scared" and then piers said "fuck it" and we ran inside

maybe ill never, ever, never, know

woowooooowoooohhooo

thoughts

i did it! i actaully made a plan, and i did it. it feels so wonderful :)

i left school at lunch time, so that part of plan didnt, um, go to plan. but i walked down to the hostel, i stood outside the front door and i keyed in six and pressed the funny little microphone button. i swear it was a minute and nothing happened, but i couldnt work out what i pressed that was wrong. but then i heard the picking up and "hello" i just said "its me" and he completley wug out.

he didnt make me coffee, they all share a kitchen but he had a disgusting looking bowl of potato salad in his room, and bottle of coles brand salad dressing, he pointed out it was fat free, but it wasnt. and he hadn't been drinking. i could tell when i saw him. his face wasnt so puffy and his eyes looked alive, and he was shaking. he just said how much we missed me, and like my plan, we didnt spend the whole time talking about it. i told him about box hill, and about school, and james. and i asked him things, and i asked him to be honest and he was. and there were brochures in his room of "help for men" and things along the same line.

im not getting my hopes up, im just happy i had a normal convasation with him, i am.



and james called. he got my letter. and we talked. alot. he said he did love me, he would always love me but "i feel like a dog who's been battled and bruised by a previous owner." the previous owner being me. i honestly didn't realise how much i had hurt him. he said to me "are you sure you're not just dwelling on the past" and i realised maybe i am. but i also think, that i do love him.

i love him right now for who he is. the way he is so passionate about music, he understands me. i love his intelligance and uniqness and then the way he is now so wise and not, boy-ishly stupid.

i mean, maybe i will see him and cahnge his mind. but i cant think of a reason why i can't love him, i cant think of a reason to stop myself.

and im not going to, im going to let myself feel what i feel.



well. apart from my retinas being burnt out my my brother shining a torch in my eyes in the dark outside, whilst holding a massive wooden peice about to whack me because "i didnt know who you were". im fine



what do people think of this james affair?

thoughts would be lovely :)



millie

plan A

it is very extremely late, but my brain is going whhiiiiirrrr and i think i will be able to sleep if i get the whirrring out of my head, anyway its only 11.45.

i have decided tomorrow, i will go and visit my father, i dont know what i am going to say, or what my purpose is. maybe he will offer me a cup of coffee. probably not. but i want to not talk about his drinking. i want to see if its possible for me to share some of my life with him, and if its possible for him to appreciate it, that what my purpsose is.

im feeling rather sure tonight :) like my plans are actaully going to become real and i can see what im going to do. from tomorrow i am going to start acting like myself again. i mean, i always am, but ive been rather scared to completley open the last few buttons on my invisible jacket, so im going to do that.

and tonight, i dont want to cut. i want to eat my lovely healthy english muffin with cottage cheese and my multi-v juice, and have chai latte, and i want to end the day sewing my bag or starting morgans.

so tomorrow the plan is:

i rock up to school "hellohellohello" and im me, and im going to try and open maybe one button, just one

then fifth period i leave school, stand outside the hostel and press the button for number six.

i would rather text him and telling him to meet me out the front, but the inconveinience of no credit kindof puts a fly in that ointment

so that what im going to do. yes. and yes

goodnight :)

mmmmm

dear world, here is a first

i am blogging AT SCHOOL!!

im surprised i even remembered my email, but there you go.

i am currently in media, you know, doing media type things. actually we're all making a magazine. mine is an art magazine, in french, becuase im so utterly cool and original. here is a picture of PARIS !!!

isn't it lovely? i wish i could go to paris, though a have a feeling that ill step off the plane and forget every single bit of french i have ever learnt. it would happen

anyway, i shall take you on a tour around the class room, i love doing this.

the one out of uniform, that's ms O. she is really lovely, but she tends to not stop talking, and she talks really quickly, and her giving an instruction, she tries to fir as much as she can into one sentence, and ends up all mushing together and not taking breaths. people opposite me are just talking and Izzie is probably playing tetris. Taylah is looking for fashion models on google, Im tipping her magazine is a fashion one. 

duitsy's red hair is jumping out even more because we are surrounded by white macs. he's concentrating really hard on his screen with his mouth turned down.

wheres is jimmy??? if jimmy was here, wow, this blog would be AMAZING. he would be drumming on the table and continuously showing us pictures of black metal people stabbing the audience, or something along those li

nes

i really wish:

1. i had something interesting to blog about

2. i had some chai tea. i have an overwhelming craving for chai tea. 

OHMYGOLLY!!!

how amazingly AMAZING is chai tea?

im going to go and fail at tetris now

BYE

rightnow

ugh. i havent blogged in ages.

i used to be a really nice person, you know. i used to be nice. but now

im making people angry and im doing the wrong thing and saying mean things to people, they say it back but im still the mean one. and its all happening at once

why cant people just butt out? okay so i did something thats not really like me, and some people might not approve, but why do they feel the need to look down at you?

i understand everyone has flaws, every person, and as humans we embrace them , you know? but when people are mean, thats just mean. and i dont understand why people have to be mean.

okay yes i can be mean. and this whole ashlee stewart thing got a bit messy, throwing insults back and forth at each other. but then my "friends" bicth with her about me

i just. i dont understand. im not a mean person. but everyone is making me so angry. why cant people just accept things, stop being malicious and horrid.

and no one is telling me what is going on. people are mad at people or upset and no one will let me understand. i mean,

im sorry. im just really really crappy

"i need a suicide bike right now"

i like this girl

sometimes i like the person i am

i like the dress, tights and heeled shoes girl, who walks everywhere with a chai latte in hand

knowing that im strong and have over came things, but now im free and happy.

i like the dancing at any cost girl who dreams of nothing else, and who makes bags and scarves and cards in her spare time

i like that girl.