thoughts

i did it! i actaully made a plan, and i did it. it feels so wonderful :)

i left school at lunch time, so that part of plan didnt, um, go to plan. but i walked down to the hostel, i stood outside the front door and i keyed in six and pressed the funny little microphone button. i swear it was a minute and nothing happened, but i couldnt work out what i pressed that was wrong. but then i heard the picking up and "hello" i just said "its me" and he completley wug out.

he didnt make me coffee, they all share a kitchen but he had a disgusting looking bowl of potato salad in his room, and bottle of coles brand salad dressing, he pointed out it was fat free, but it wasnt. and he hadn't been drinking. i could tell when i saw him. his face wasnt so puffy and his eyes looked alive, and he was shaking. he just said how much we missed me, and like my plan, we didnt spend the whole time talking about it. i told him about box hill, and about school, and james. and i asked him things, and i asked him to be honest and he was. and there were brochures in his room of "help for men" and things along the same line.

im not getting my hopes up, im just happy i had a normal convasation with him, i am.



and james called. he got my letter. and we talked. alot. he said he did love me, he would always love me but "i feel like a dog who's been battled and bruised by a previous owner." the previous owner being me. i honestly didn't realise how much i had hurt him. he said to me "are you sure you're not just dwelling on the past" and i realised maybe i am. but i also think, that i do love him.

i love him right now for who he is. the way he is so passionate about music, he understands me. i love his intelligance and uniqness and then the way he is now so wise and not, boy-ishly stupid.

i mean, maybe i will see him and cahnge his mind. but i cant think of a reason why i can't love him, i cant think of a reason to stop myself.

and im not going to, im going to let myself feel what i feel.



well. apart from my retinas being burnt out my my brother shining a torch in my eyes in the dark outside, whilst holding a massive wooden peice about to whack me because "i didnt know who you were". im fine



what do people think of this james affair?

thoughts would be lovely :)



millie